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okay - so today is not that bad as far as me feeling like i'm going to die or something bad is going to happen. I'm just so drained I don't think I can focus all that much on it today. I feel like blah today. I tried to dye my hair last night a reddish color and it looks horrible and flat the only thing that is red on it is my roots, so that means i'm going to have to put opps on it that smells like putrid eggs and won't leave my hair for like 2 weeks .... and then dye it a normal color. I just feel real ugly compare to everyone else. I'm starting to lose my care about myself and just life. I have no hobbies anymore and the things I did care about I no longer do. I really wish that I could just be happier without having to take a pill to do it. I really want a tattoo but i'm afraid of going to hell if I get another one. I already have 5 i'm just losing my mind I think. I feel like I have a tumor or something in my head and its going to just consume my brain and either i'm going to die of it or aneurysm. I wish I could just go to the doctor and have him give me a catscan that why I could rest a little easier at night knowing that i'm just crazy and not acting suffering from a tumor or some kind of cancer. I'm just so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddd. Time just seems to be creeping by everyday - i'm sitting at work typing this because i'm done with all my work and I have nothing else to do but just sit here and think about crazy shit. I don't even want to drink or hangout with my friends anymore because I don't have any care anymore. I'm becoming a very horrible person to be around. My husband is mentally abusive to me he calls me all kinds of fucked up shit when his mad at me and I'm stuck with him because I decided to marry him and I don't know why I did because I knew he wouldn't change. All he does is come home from work and bitch or just ignore me - but if I say one thing out of context then i'm the bitch and i'm the one thats always pushing his buttons. So yea i've been choked out by him, poked in my head countless times, had my face grabbed so hard that I had finger bruises from him, i've had him take his finger and press it to my ear canal almost doing some damage to that. i've had black eyes bruised necks arms legs you name it. but i'm the one that causes all these things. This very person wants me to go to church with him and listen to his knowledge about god too..... yeaaaaaa so you can see were i'm at with that. I have this asshole everyday come home play on his phone and maybe say one thing to me and if its something its him critquing me about something negative about myself, I have to cook him dinner at which he does not empty his plate just lays it by the sink or just by his chair, then wears clothes for like 3o mins and throws them in the dirty clothes as if theyre dirty. i'm tired of living with a pissed off 12 year old I wish I had the strength to leave but I don't because I am weak and we always be + he told me that he would kill me so what am I supposed to do. I believe him and I don't want to make our relationship get to that point. I sometimes lay in bed hoping he will just die in his sleep so me and his kids can live happy normal lives but it doesn't happen. I'm not one to want anyone to die but that man can be a nightmare about 95% of the time the other 5% he ignores his family and kids and me and anyone that isn't worth his time. He gets made at me when that show the bible comes on and I leave the room. Cause I don't think his a good christian and he thinks he is - I don't think someone who treats his wife like he does should be preaching to anyone on how he thinks they know or love god. I know god knows what i'm going through and I sometimes think i'm being tested and that's why I stay maybe i'll get some kind of reward in the end for all this or at least I hope. I just feel like i've given up a large chunk of my life to be with this bastard. I have BS in Graphic Designing and I have no biological children of my own.  Why I decided to stay with this idiot is beyond me - but there has to be a reason for all of this ..... or at least i'm going to keep telling myself that there is. I'm just tired and I need someone to talk to or to understand. I wish I would of chosen a different path in life instead of with him. 

Fucking Help Please

Okay - So today has been kinda crazy for me. I keep feeling like i'm going to pass out and die or my life is still going to end at any moment. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel right in my head and Its worrying me really bad. All I can think about is dying or getting sick or something. I don't feel like doing anything and all I can focus on is how miserable I feel. I have no joy in life it feels like - I don't even want to have any hobbies I can feel them there in the back of my mind but. I really wish someone could provide me with some kind of answer or help I feel like my brain is going to explode or something. I think I may have a brain tumor Idk something isn't right i can feel it. I have anxiety real bad but I used to not and now it feels like its getting worse with everyday. 
So I know I haven't been on here in a while. I've some what complacent. I think i'm losing my mind. Things are not real to me at times. I feel like i'm living in a dream. I feel like I might be in hell living life as normal but nothing is going good for me at all. I can't seem to stay satisfied with anything I do.  I was enjoying doing pageants with my step daughter now I don't want to do that anymore. I bought a whole bunch of jewelry thinking that maybe I would try to spruse up my wardrobe and look pretty. I don't even care about that anymore. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about shit all the time. I can never live a normal day. I feel like something horrible is going to happen to me soon and it makes me so sick to my stomach cause i feel like i'm going to die from cancer or a tumor, or my husband is  going to fly off the handle one day and aciddently murder me. You ever just feel like you breathing your last breaths? Like soon your life will end... well thats how I feel. I just want to think normal and not worry myself with these thoughts but then I begin to think that maybe i'm having these thoughts for a reason, maybe something bad is really going to happen to me. I just want to be one of those chicks that cares about how they look and wants to look professional and act professional, but I could give a fuck less what people think about me. I just want my husband to be normal and let me take the kids on vacation with me in the summer with my parents and not be a bastard about it. I want to be able to pick which church we go to instead of having to go to his parents church were there is a grand total of 7 people going to it. I'm pretty sure its not even a legit church. But I make all these sacrifics and he makes none for me. I feel like i'm the only one doing anything in my house. I raise 2 kids that aren't even my bilogical childern and have to pick up after my husband weather it be food plates clothes or just his shit in general. I don't know what else to do. I wish someone would help or at least offer advise please. 

Fat Cow!

I'm getting so fucking fat its unreal... I hate myself right now... The scale is almost at 150 now and I feel like shooting myself. I was 135 around this time last year wtf is up! I'm telling i've been working out every other day and then going to zumba on the other days my friends getting smaller & smaller and i'm getting fatter & fatter! When I look in the mirror All I see is a fat ass cow staring back at me. My husband keeps making comments about my sides and how they stick out and I just feel real ugly... To make matters worse I have a gala I have to go next weekend and i'm sure my fucking love handles will be showing in my dress! I hate it i really just want to look myself in the bathroom and just purge all this fat out of me! I'm so tired of the scale laughing at me! 

Me and the End of Days

Okay ... So my legs are officially feeling the pain of working out. This is week 2 of working out and doing Zumba.. Me & my friend Heather have been doing really good! Shes a really great workout partner and not to mention friend, Even though she is 20 years older then me lol she looks my age. I'm really needing to get back with the program of not eating so many sweets. It just blows my mind how much i've chaged since august. I have gone from barley eating to eating anything sweet. I used to have more control over myself and now its like I don't care. I've also realized that our world is coming to an end. The Sandy Hooks shooting is a joke and it was staged to get our guns taken from us. We are going to lose our second amendment then the rest will follow. My husband has been talking more and more about the New World Order and i'm starting to realize he has a point! I mean if you look at things for what they truly are then you will see. I'm starting to fear for my life and my childrens lives because of this. It may not happen in my lifetime but for my children and my future children it will be in full affect for them. This needs to stop and be put to an end before it happens sooner then we want it to. There are higher forces out there that are controlling everything we do and how we act. If you have any interest in this topic feel free to message me or comment about it I can provide you with links that will blow your mind on the subject. I'm just losing all hope for man kind its going to be soon that we are not going to have any freedom and the dollar is going to be useless that we will all be poor and have to fight to survive.   
SOooo...Today is finally Friday I am so relieved for that. The week has gone by so fast. I've been doing really good on my exercising. Me and Heather went to Zumba last night ... I felt like I was going to die. I'm still sore, but i'm starting to get my love for exercising back. I really love that feeling I get after I workout. I just need to get back to watching what I eat. I've been being real sloppy with it lately. I'll only eat something at breakfast and not the rest of the day. My meds make me crave sweets so my breakfast is nothing but sugar.... it makes me want to kill myself once I eat and think of the shit I just ate. I haven't been purging for 2 weeks and I hate that I haven't. For some reason I just haven't been wanting to or care... think i'm depressed or my meds are causing me not to care and I hate that cause I like caring about it and I like that it runs my life that its controlled and i'm not keeping fatty foods inside of my stomach. I'm going to try and exercise today. Don't really know what i'm going to do yet, but I'll think of something. If I get off work early i'm going to go to the park or my grandmas and walk around the block or the park track. 

1:38 PM
Just got back from lunch 38 minutes ago... I had soup... I just talked to my mom on the phone and she said shes going walking at 3:30 So I doubt i'll be able to make it being i'm stuck here at work till 5. So i'll probably go walk around the park or i'm going to take some lax or something to get rid of the weight I have consumed. I'm so tired of having to fight this battle... 4 months ago I was almost to 129 now i'm at 147 I want to shoot myself. Everyone says I look 125 but I know I don't look like that. I feel so ugly looking when I look in the mirror at myself. I see fat and just saggy skin. I'm getting older and closer to death. Once you start getting older you start giving up and I don't want to be that way. I want to be thin..


  So... Yesterday I managed to go to the Zumba with my friend Heather and my husbands dead girlfriends mother (strange I know, But we get along better then me and his own mom) But I managed to do it without stopping. Now today I feel like I got hit by a truck just as I expected to feel. Me and my friend Heather (who is also a real estate agent) went to go look at a new house I might be possibly purchasing maybe. It was so cool - it is a really old house and it just has so much character. It looks like it would be in a scary movie ;) my kind of house. Lots of room too - It has over 3,000 sq foot!!! Lots of hiddy holes for my kids to play in which I really love. But yea today after work i'm going to go workout with Heather and hopefully get some use out of it. I'm going to start tanning again I think... I feel better when i'm tanned... or at least thats how I feel about it.  But I decided to make an exercising group so I don't feel really weird going into the gym :) I hate having everyone stare at me when I go in there. I know all the guys try to look up your shorts or down your shirt (because my husband said so) his a gym rat ... but yea i'm still having trouble watching what i'm eating my dad took me to go eat a breakfast lunch today - I ate everything... but I drank some lax tea to comfort me about eating that much at least I know it won't be in me for long lol.

Starting Today

Okay... Starting today i'm going to start taking Zumba Class on Tuesdays /Thursday with 2 of my friends. I'm going to try and do this until the teacher leaves again. I'm also going to go to the gym or walk everyday too. I"m tried of looking in the mirror and seeing a fat cow staring back at me. I want to see more bones and I want to be able to count my ribs. So far today i've had 2 ham sandwichs that is it. I'm going to try and work that off tonight. My husband is on a diet kick now and is getting ready for the summer. I feel like such a lazy fat ass because i'm not really doing anything now. I feel so depressed her lately I keep thinking something bad is going to happen to me or my family idk. I have very HIGH ANXIETY so this thoughts constantly plege my mind. I Just want to be thin and happy, but I guess those two don't go hand in hand in the real world. My doctor has put me on this medicine I take at night and it just makes me not care about my weight and all I want to do is eat eat eat. Thats one of the sideffects of it is cravings. I need something to take the edge off my thoughts that I have constantly - I don't want to be a zombie but I wouldn't mind being happy. I think I had a nervous breakdown the other night. I smoke hydro out of a gravity bong and it blow my mind. I didn't know where i was and I thought i was dying. I was falling to the ground my heart racing and my mind as well. I kept accusing my husband of trying to murder me and I thougth that I was living in hell with him yelling at me over and over again. At this moment it is stupid that I felt that way . But in that moment I felt it was as real as anything. I would be in one place blackout then be in another place not knowing how I got there. My husband kept leaving me so in my mind I thought he was waiting for me to die so that he could finally be rid of me. He kept telling me to take a xanax and you'll be better. I said to him "what if I die" what if the xanaxs causes me to die. I was so scare - I felt like the guy on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I didn't know  how to make it stop. Last night he was watching a show about weed and it said that some people who smoke high consecrated amounts of pot can go into psychosis. That is what happened to me. They said that if you have it already in your genetics to be psycho then it will effect you and it did. So apparently i'm crazy deep in the center pit of my brain. Now i'm not smoking pot anymore because that was enough to scare me straight for now. Since then though ive been thinking about death and just horrible things. My dreams aren't even the same anymore i don't feel like myself in my dreams now its taking over my body. I hope that i don't have a tumor or cancer or something very wrong with me because i just have this erry feeling that somethings not right. 

My Life

Idk if its sad or good that my bf doesn't really pay that much attention to my eating actions and how I go outside alot to purge or how I just don't eat period. I'm about to work on my thinspa book right infront of him and i'm sure he won't even notice the pictures i glue into it or the remarks I scribble into it. I some what like this aloneness .  . . I mean he doesn't really care to much about me I guess cause i'm sitting right now across from him writing this and he has not once asked me what i'm doing or pryed his eyes from the PS3. So yea - Guess my life is somewhat invisible to him. 

It pisses me off so much that everyone is soooo secrety about they're disorders - I'm proud that I've been given the gift of watching my weight! I've seen thousand upon thousand of morbid obese people walking around. Why can't someone for once just be proud to be thin! I mean politics have already paved the way for blacks to be cool! Why can't we? I'm proud if my thinness and I think everyone else that suffers should be too! You shouldn't hide you should be proud you've beaten the American statistic and you normal

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The Thin White Line

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